The Message Is In The Mess

Yester night, my husband and I were having a discussion on marriage that made me realize that sometimes our ambitions in life are not fully thought through and hence the many issues of life. I am not referring to hubby and me specifically but I am talking about society generally. Case in point marriage; my husband and I, believe that marriage should be the one of the best things in life but it is human beings that have made it so complicated. Why? Love is the first and last genuine thing left in this world; it is human beings who are making whatever is in between love complicated. When one is born, those dear are the first ones to receive you and likewise when you die they should be the ones to see you off. What happens in between is what makes my head spin. During our lifetime, we want to be at the top of the ladder and sometimes this means at whatever cost. You may end up hurting those whom you shouldn’t, ignoring those who shouldn’t and bootlicking to your seniors so that your ambition becomes a (near) reality.

So this is marriage for me;

• Honesty – be as honest as when you look in the mirror. 105% if you can. Then take the necessary agreed action.

• Motivations – question all your motives before taking any action. Even why one got married in the first place. Why? My bible tells me that we confess our sins one to another. Therefore I should be able to know when things have gone wrong and where I had a role to play in it.....if only I am honest 

• Personality – know who you are and who your spouse is.

• Friendship – We all have our roles to play within marriage but at the end of the day, we should be able to be friends and talk about everything and anything even if the other party may not fully understand. Goes back to the first point…honesty.

• Mistakes - Can and will be made in the lifetime of the marriage. However, don't bring up past mistakes going forward as leverage, it is a double edged sword. Don't judge a person by their mistakes. make it an aim to always learn and grow from each other's mistakes.

• Support – Support each other even when you don’t have a clue of what the other person is going through. CAVEAT; Support what is considered reasonable. If way off the mark, then have the difficult and heavy discussions yet remain sober all through. Practical? Very practical. Just takes some time to practice and of course you will make the mistakes on how to handle the situation once in a while. In the African society, it is a negative thing to start sharing your marital issues with in-laws especially coz it may come back and bite you at a very inappropriate time.

• Letting off steam – when you get angry at each other, say it boldly yet respectfully. I mean, we are humans and have boundaries. A combination of tact and humor works.

• In-laws – a blessing from heaven but be kept at arm’s length at all times.

• Friends – same as in laws but some may be counted upon. A man who needs friends must himself be friendly

• Prayer – even a frequent yet simple two liner prayer is sufficient to keep you going. Make sure you have common agreement on spiritually especially where kids are involved.

• Baggage – not allowed in marriage. When discovered should be handled transparently, tactfully and maturely by both parties. Ladies, even if you have a clean background, don't despise the brother. Nobody is perfect you know.

• Children – will not be present at all times. Take time to make a significant contribution in their lives i.e. teach a child on the way he should go and when he grows up, he shall not depart from it. However, as crazy as child bearing times may be, you made a lifetime commitment to your partner (not your children) in God’s presence. God will hold you accountable, so make it count!

• Money – Money isn’t everything. It counts but it isn’t everything. This goes back to your motives.

• Sex – Finally, I said it!!! Most couples are disappointed in this area because of lack of…..HONESTY. Men, sex is sex but for women sex is something else. Approach with caution. Understand that with child bearing her body has gone through so much for 9 months, the actually child birth and all that follows. So, give her some time to plan and understand how to share her body with you and the baby. Women, don’t use sex as a bargaining tool rather let it be the one constant thing within the union. It works wonders only if you are 105% honest with yourself and your spouse.

If in doubt, read the Bible :) <3